Three men, a Scouser(Liverpool supporter), a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
Liverpool's new signing, Rigobert Song from Cameroon, has just played his first game for the (once) 'Mighty Reds'. He dashes into the players lounge and phones his mother to tell her all about it. "Oh, Rigobert"...she squeals....."....I am so pleased and proud of you, at last you are playing for a great team......they may not be as great as they once were, but I hear they have won the European Cup four times. ....but, son.....things are not so good at home. I am really worried. The violence is getting too much, your sister has been raped twice, your dear Grandmother has been attacked in the street, there is raw sewage running down the roads, its becoming more like a war-zone every day.
How did we let you talk us into coming and living in Liverpool, I'll never know...."
Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper."That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??""Well its a £10 for the video and £90 for the Beta Video Player.
There was a Liverpool fan with a really crappy seat at Anfield. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the Half-way line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Liverpool fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A passing reporter commented: that was fucking fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?, "i'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke. "well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter. "I'm not a City fan either" said our hero, " I'm from Liverpool". "Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline - LIVERPOOL B4STARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!
